


ESPN: Mea Culpa (The MSNBC Remix)

by sarken



Category: Real News RPF
Genre: Epistolary, F/M, FNFF SeSa 2009, Queer Themes, Written Apologies
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-01-14
Updated: 2010-01-14
Packaged: 2017-10-06 08:55:14
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 790
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/51887
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sarken/pseuds/sarken
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Keith's 2014 column regarding his resignation from Countdown.</p>
            </blockquote>





	ESPN: Mea Culpa (The MSNBC Remix)

**Author's Note:**

> Written for Latara in the FNFF Secret Santa. She asked for a Keith/Rachel story inspired by the lyrics to Amanda Palmer's "Ampersand": _I have wasted years of my life/Agonizing over the fires I started/when I thought that to be strong/was to be flame-retardant._ Many thanks to Aliya for all her help in both the planning and editing of this story.

Tuesday, April 8, 2014 10:00 EST  
**MSNBC: Mea maxima culpa  
_The explanation for and fallout from my abrupt departure from cable news._**  
By Keith Olbermann

It was in the spring of 2008 that my boss put a blunt point on my contentious relationship with Hillary Clinton supporters. "You meet a guy and you fall in love with him," Phil Griffin, now President of MSNBC, told _The New Yorker_. "And then you commit yourself to him and he turns out to be a jerk."

Phil Griffin, I have since come to realize, was a wise, prophetic man -- and I was a damned fool.

By the time of my abrupt, on-air departure from MSNBC, the intimate nature of the relationship I shared with my dear friend and colleague Rachel Maddow was at best an open secret. At worst, it was tabloid fodder, the obsession of small minds who would wish to shoehorn Ms. Maddow into one of three constrictive and narrowly-defined categories. Invariably, this would be done without even the slightest consideration of how Ms. Maddow would choose to identify herself.

And, just as invariably, I would respond to these derogatory remarks with not a trace of Ms. Maddow's grace nor aplomb nor good humor. Time and again, as if driven by some base instinct or inexplicable compulsion, I rose to whatever bait our detractors saw fit to dangle before us, all in some vain and chauvinistic attempt to defend the unassailable: Ms. Maddow's honor and personal integrity.

It was this fool-headed, albeit well-intentioned, instinct that led to my actions on the final broadcast of _Countdown_ in March 2010.

I stand by that night's excoriation of the vile, hate-filled remarks directed at Ms. Maddow. The comments aimed at her that evening, while largely unpublishable, were in and of themselves no more contemptible than the reams of insults Ms. Maddow and I had previously endured. However, they were made all the more despicable for having been written and published by a prominent blogger on the supposedly open-minded left. Our friends and allies on the left had betrayed us, it seemed, and for not one moment of the past four years have I regretted my decision to abandon them in similar fashion.

The manner in which I executed this decision is, however, another matter.

At the very moment in which it happened, I truly believed my spontaneous resignation to be the ultimate grand gesture. By removing myself from the spotlight, I reasoned, I would force its redirection. The spotlight would be turned upon me and my brash decision to desert my post at MSNBC, thereby removing its harsh focus from Ms. Maddow and the absurd notion that, through the relationship we shared, she was somehow guilty of jilting the gay community.

While I was ultimately correct in my predictions, I neglected to foresee the broader consequences of my actions.

My split-second decision hurt many good people, from the staff of _Countdown_ to, despite whatever professional criticism I have leveled at them in the past, the management at MSNBC. In retrospect, these were the individuals who mattered, as they were the true allies of Ms. Maddow and myself. They supported us, and they, not some bloggers hiding behind pseudonymity, were our true friends -- _my_ true friends. I was the one guilty of betrayal, and I am deeply sorry. I reduced my friends to collateral damage, and for this I ask their forgiveness.

However, there is one person deserving of her own individualized apology.

The respect, admiration, and love I continue to hold for my dear friend Ms. Maddow is much too great for me to detail the private aspects of our relationship, so, on that front, I will restrict myself to saying this: I cannot begin to fathom the extent of the emotional pain I unwittingly caused her, both as a friend and as a lover. Four years later, however, I am beginning to understand the professional repercussions my actions held for her. Throughout the course of our relationship, my repeated attempts to defend the integrity and professionalism of my colleague served only to undermine those very things in a far more insidious and effective manner than her critics could have accomplished on their own.

Rach: I'm sorry.

The staff at _Countdown_, the management at MSNBC, and, most of all, Ms. Maddow committed themselves to me, and I turned out to be, in Mr. Griffin's words, a jerk. My actions were unforgivable, but my apology is heartfelt, and I can only hope that my friends and colleagues can find it in their hearts to grant me the forgiveness of which I am so undeserving.

 

\----  
_**Keith Olbermann** is the former host of MSNBC's _Countdown with Keith Olbermann_ (2003-2010). He retired from broadcasting in February 2012._


End file.
